Tuesday, June 7, 2011

HOT MESS: LONG ISLAND – Hey Pretty Ricky…

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Ladies and Gentlemen, you all know how much I love to rag on a Hot Mess from Long Island. I love it almost as much as coming up with new ways to call Marty Brodeur a big fat fatty with a fat ugly face (ooo, that felt good).

So, in honor of this great love of mine, we here at 5-Hole have decided to make this an official, reoccurring feature aptly named: HOT MESS: LONG ISLAND.

And away we go!

So our favorite hot mess of a goaltender, Ricky the Pretty Pretty Couch Decoration, is probably even more of a hot mess than we thought. I say this because the Sucklanders have recently signed not one, but TWO goaltenders with starting experience and serious ability. Ok, maybe Dwayne Roloson is a old fart, but Marty “Bat-Eyes” Biron is still a beast when he wants to be.

So why does a team need THREE goaltenders? Because, my darlings, Pretty Ricky DiPietro is….(say it with me)..

Lindsay Lohan


Clearly, the fragile-vagina’d one is not in as good of shape as he should be. If he doesn’t play a single game, does his salary still count against their cap? If it doesn’t count against their cap, it sure as shit counts against their dignity.

And in more HOT MESS: LONG ISLAND news, the shining beacon of good management and decision-making that is the New York Islanders made another brilliant move this week, in firing their radio broadcast team in favor of simulcasting the TV broadcast.

Now, I have very rarely listened to the Islanders announcers – even when I had Center Ice last season, I usually got the regular MSG feed with Sam and Joe. Not that they’re the brightest stars among broadcasters, but still – probably better than the Isles team. However, if their TV broadcast is anything like ours, anyone having to listen to the radio for the game is probably going to want to drive their car off the road in frustration of not knowing what in the hell is going on.

My prediction: Rick Dipietro is shut down for the remainder of the coming decade when a car driven by an Isles fan relying on the radio broadcast for the game crashes through his living room and into the couch on which DP permanently resides.


And God, if you love me, please let this fan be driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile